Let Go
by xxDancing-With-Starsxx
Summary: He was another brother I had failed, another brother I had broken. I was too selfish for him, and too selfish, until now, to let go. Not Destiel. Set in 7x01. Oneshot


**A/N: Hello everyone! I was in an angsty mood and this fic just came to me. It's set right after Cas sends back the souls into Purgatory in 7x01 but the Leviathans didn't hang on because for some reason they decided they had no business with the human world. Anyway, this piece is in Dean's POV and I tried a different type of writing I hope you guys enjoy. **

***Thoughts are in italics***

"I'm going to find some way to redeem myself to you, Dean, I promise!"

I couldn't stand the look he gave me; it was filled up with too much pain, too much sorrow, too much regret. Haven't we had enough regret? I knew he deserved forgiveness and a second chance- God knows I've gotten enough second chances to last me a lifetime. But I couldn't give it to him, not right now. Not here, not with what he had done to Sam, not with what he had done to all those people out there who deserved second chances.

There was a tennis ball in my throat, I supposed. Deeply lodged in there, solid, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't swallow it down. Saddened, guilt struck blue eyes bored into my back and I couldn't move. I was rooted to the floor, to the misery that enveloped the room, to those blue eyes that begged forgiveness I just couldn't give. Not now, and perhaps never.

I heard a shuffle of feet move in my direction and, praying not to see those blue eyes, I looked up only to meet Sam's hazel eyes. Or maybe they were green, I couldn't tell. I didn't know.

_How much have I failed_, I mused, detached, _if __I don't even know my little brother's eye color?_

Did it matter? The only thing that mattered was the crazed look I saw in them, those young eyes; fever filled and scared witless. How far have I fallen if I couldn't look after little Sammy correctly? He was the only actual thing that meant something to me for the longest time, and I couldn't even make sure he was alright.

"Dean," It was cracked, hoarse from screaming and it was too much, I couldn't take it, couldn't take my little brother in this kind of pain, this mental anguish. A hand covered in cold sweat grabbed my own, and I felt pin pricks at my eyes threaten to take over my control and destroy my barriers until I was only a blob of emotions. I would be nonthreatening, not helpful in the least, and utterly worthless to all that I do.

Pain seemed to rear everywhere in me, and I couldn't escape it. It threatened to engulf me and erase all semblance of who I was, and I couldn't let that happen. I choked on the tennis ball lodged in my throat when I realized what I had to do. I couldn't, I had to, but I couldn't, but I HAD to. A storm raged on in my mind, dousing everything in deadly, drowning water. My brain felt tarnished from the lightning and pain-ridden from the thunder, and my pulse felt heavy and slow, barely supporting me.

Fingers I hadn't realized still held mine clenched tightly, and somehow I found the will to clench back. Sam needed me, and I realized this. My brain was haywire with a plethora of _whywhywhy why me why him __why now whywhywhy _but it started to calm as another, more gentle squeeze was applied to my hand. There was less lightening as I looked up to him, and the thunder died down to a low growl. Thoughts sped in and out of my mind, but one stayed at the forefront and it was the only one I needed. _My brother needed me_.

He needed me.

I needed him to need me.

I resolved myself for the next move, and I felt my sluggish pulse quicken a bit. I knew what I needed, and even though it filled my stomach with dread, sorrow, and guilt, I had to do this. This wasn't healthy for anyone involved. I was too damaged for someone like him, and we both knew it. He had had nothing but problems since he had joined us, and I couldn't do this to him anymore. Numerous deaths hung over my head but I couldn't bring myself to care. He was forced against his brothers because of _me _and _my _demands. He was another brother I had failed, another brother I had broken. I was too selfish for him, and too selfish, until now, to let go.

I turned to those blue eyes, full of pain I had caused, and let go.

"Goodbye, Cas."

**A/N: Wow that was **_**really**_** hard to write. I hope I did Dean's thoughts justice. And if you're unhappy with the end, just imagine them all coming to their senses and being together again :) Please leave constructive criticism, it's greatly appreciated!**


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